Crazy Baby Invasion; My body

I had a friend post something on Facebook today that got me starting to think about body image issues.  Namely my own personal image issues.  Then it got me thinking about why I have them, and how to change them.  I don't have answers, but it did spark the idea for today's writing. 

I know that I do not have an original story - many women have gone through similar or even more body-boggling times.  But here is my story nonetheless. 

From the year 2003 until 2010, I was either pregnant or breastfeeding.  In that 8 year span, there were approximately three months TOTAL that I was not pregnant or nursing.  3 months.  And in those 3 months, we were no doubt trying for another.  Pregnant for 9 months, nurse for a year.  Rinse. Repeat.  That's a long time.  A really long time.  My body was not my own for EIGHT. YEARS.  Almost an entire decade.  Eight years where someone was feeding off of my body - whether leaching on the insides or hanging off the outsides.  My calories were never mine - always responsible for more than just feeding me.  It was a strange thing, when I had stopped nursing the twins, to understand that what I ate was *just* for me.  Only me!  I wasn't really sure even how to do that! 

But I'm ahead of myself here....

In 2003, I got pregnant with Ethan.  I followed the "What to Expect" diets.   I ended up gaining 55 pounds that year.  I'm not sure where...

7 months pregnant with Ethan

The following year, 2004, Ethan was born in January. 8 lb 5 oz of adorable.   I wanted to lose the baby weight!  So within the next year, I lost 65 pounds.  Dropped an extra 10 - YES! 

In 2005, I got pregnant with Noah.  I gained 75 pounds.  I had read after following that happy little "What to Expect" malarky that your body is going to gain what it's going to gain, regardless of what you ate.  I tested that theory.  Come to find out, you CAN eat enough ice cream to make a difference.  I was 6 months in, and one of my docs (we went to a group OB) said, "Well... you've gained 40 pounds already...."  I was like, yup.  Keep watching, Doc... Ha!

Look ma! No hands! 

Sweet little Noah was born. All 9 lb 8 oz of him.  I joked that he came out with an inch layer of ice cream under his skin. 

In 2006, I lost 65 pounds.  Back to the initial pre-pregnancy weight, so I was good.  No need to be an overachiever.  Yeesh.

In 2007, I got pregnant with Naomi.  For some frustrating reason, I only wanted vegetables with her.  I ended up only gaining about 40 pounds.  Only a 40 pound weight-gain in a year.  Obviously losing my edge.  They did a growth ultrasound on me, because the doctors were concerned at the exponential rate that my babies' birthrate were taking... Meaning, Noah was more than a full pound heavier than Ethan at birth.  They were concerned that I would have an 11 pounder.  Naomi came in at 9 pounds even.  Dainty little thing...

Our computer crashed and I lost all pregnant photos of Naomi.  So here are the boys riding on Jerry's back.

By this time, I now have 3 kids, 4 and under.  Apparently, vegetable fat is harder to lose than ice cream fat, and I only ended up losing 25 of my 40.  Ugh.  I blame the fact that she was a girl... (and not the eating and lack of exercising after the fact.  I think that is irrelevant.)  2008 is the least impressive of my yo-yo weight saga, only losing 25 pounds... 

Then we got super-efficient at the pregnancy game, and started making them two at a time.  2009.  I have no idea how much weight I gained for my twins.  By the end of my pregnancy, I didn't fit on the scale.  Well, not facing forward.  My belly would bump the back of the scale.  I got weighed backward.  (At least they didn't bring in the big sling crane used to weigh whales...)  I think it was close to 70 pounds again. (plus the extra I didn't lose from Naomi)  I have no idea.   My body was ridiculous at this point.  Ridiculous. I could have gained more if there was room for a stomach in my body anymore...

What it looks like to carry two full-sized babies inside one stretchy belly

Josh and Faith were born November 3, 2009.  Josh was first, at 7 lb 12 oz.  Faith was 4 minutes later at 7 lb 6 oz.  Over 15 pounds of baby in there. Yowsa. 

So now I have 5 kids.  Aged 5 and under.  For one whole week, three of my kids were aged 1 and under (Naomi turned 2 a week after they were born.)  To say that "losing baby weight" didn't fall high on the list - well, there wasn't a list.  I was in survival mode.  I honestly can't say that I remember anything from that first full year.  (Thank goodness for Facebook statuses!  It's like being an amnesia patient, finding out what happened to me.)   I think after they turned 1, I put an effort into losing the baby weight. 

So here I am.  Three years into eating for my own sake.  And it's still strange! I am close enough to my pre-prego weight that I shouldn't care much.  Except I can't shake this feeling that I have to lose weight.  It was such a lifestyle for so long, that it's just hard to break.  In my mind, I think it rationalizes "Not pregnant. Must. Lose. Weight." Again, I don't have any answers to this, aside from telling myself that it's not necessary (which of course doesn't really work.)   At least I am past the point of posting bare belly profile pics of myself... Ha!

I just feel that it all deserves a quick recap, though.  So here is my snapshot chart.
2003 - gain 55 pounds
2004 - lose 65 pounds
2005 - gain 75 pounds
2006 - lose 65 pounds
2007 - gain 40 pounds
2008 - lose 25 pounds
2009 - gain at least 70 pounds

Pretty surreal, when you see it all like that.  No wonder my body doesn't know what normal is.  I have no grasp of what my adult woman body should look like in a steady-state.  I have no "normal" to return to, because for so many years it wasn't there. 

Not that I would ever even desire "normal" - what IS that, anyway?  A setting on the washing machine.  Exactly.