Our Crazy Christmas Tradition

You know how when you do something for a long time, you don't realize it's weird until one day you are like, wow... that's really messed up.  Well, that is pretty much what happened this year with our Christmas tradition. 

Now before I go any further, may I lay a disclaimer out there (why do all of my posts seem to start with a disclaimer!?!):  I love Jesus.  And Christmas!  I love love LOVE it.  As for my husband?  Try to get him to NOT talk about Jesus - I dare you.  So we aren't just a "fair-weather Christmas" family.  Now that THAT'S out of the way, let me weave a little history for you...

When I was in 7th grade, my dad had triple bypass open heart surgery.  It was scheduled for early December, and he wanted to see everything decorated for Christmas before he went in to the hospital.    We decorated early that year - I'm guessing around Thanksgiving time. (We may have decorated early before this point, but this is the time I remember very clearly.) Now this was way back in the very early 90s, and decorating right after Halloween just wasn't a thing yet - most people waited until near Christmas to decorate and Christmas music wasn't played on the radio until December.

Another tradition we had was that our big celebration was always on Christmas Eve.  Christmas morning was just for Santa gifts and enjoying all of the presents.  (In fact, a special treat for Christmas dinner was SpeedyQ nachos because Happy Birthday, Jesus, these are awesome nachos!!!!) 

We're Fast & Friendly... and have amazing nachos!!!!!

So now that I have a family of my own, we follow a lot of the same traditions.  Thanksgiving weekend we go and cut down our live tree and decorate our house for Christmas.  We sing Christmas carols for the entire month of December.  Our big Christmas celebration is on Christmas Eve where we get a grotesque amount of Chinese food, open all of the gifts to each other, then head off to church.  Christmas Day is Santa gifts (3 for each kid), stocking candy, and a birthday party for Jesus (a good reason to eat cake.) 

And then... our traditions take a slight detour.  After opening the last gifts from Santa, and shoving all of the candy into individually labeled gallon-size Ziplock bags, something just comes over Jerry and me.  We look at each other, catching glances here and there... I see the look in his eye, and he knows I'm thinking the same thing.... THIS CHRISTMAS TREE HAS GOT TO GO!!!!!!!!! You see, after having a "live" (read: dying more each day) tree taking up half of the living room for an entire month, well, we just want that living space back.


This year was exceptionally executed.  We had that tree down before lunch on Christmas Day.  I used to feel self-conscious in the front picture window taking down the tree before the day was even over.  Used to.  However this year I am fairly certain that the type of tree we cut down was the rare Razor Needle Pine.  This thing was brutal.  Opening presents from Santa in pajamas was like a test of strength and endurance to anyone who dared to get close enough to the tree.  Normally the needles just poke, hurt, and fall out.  These ones stuck.  Like getting attacked by a porcupine.  It pretty much made our entire living room off-limits.  And when there are seven people living in one house, we need that space. 

That's right, angel that's about to fall off of the tree... You're coming DOWN today!

If it was just the tree coming down, it wouldn't seem that awful.  I have great reasons as to why it "should" come down as soon as possible.  Even though it feels a bit Castanza-ish, "We will take down the tree after the airing of grievances!" - I can rationalize why it is necessary.  But... it doesn't end with the tree...

And thus begins... the Christmas Purge.  

Ah yes, the Christmas Purge.   That delightful Christmas tradition where we go through the entire house top to bottom armed with garbage bags and disinfectant and we clean/organize/rearrange everything in sight.  I worked for twelve hours Christmas Day going through the three bedrooms upstairs.  Twelve. Hours.  And MAN, did it feel good!  Game pieces put in their respective boxes, broken toys thrown away, and garbage (GARBAGE!!!) collected out of every room.  Each room had at least one large black garbage bag full of junk to take out.  Forever leaving my home.  Never to come back...  At one point Ethan came up, saw me throwing things away, and got anxious.  "What are you throwing away, mom?"  Garbage.  "But what garbage?"  It's garbage, go play with your new Christmas presents!  (It all worked out though, because when I was done in their room and he saw that not only could he now CLOSE his closet doors, he could also see what was IN the closet, he was cool with it.)

The day after Christmas was spent entirely in the basement.  Cleaning, organizing, pitching junk, purging...  The kids went down after we were done and said "Wow, it looks like a mansion down here!"  Well, hardly... but thank you. 

We ended up with 15 large black garbage bags full.  Plus broken appliances, old rusted out filing cabinets, a large cabinet from the 60s...  It looked like an episode of Hoarders out there.  It.... was..... AWESOME!!!! (I was going to have Jerry help the garbage men today, but after garbage pickers came through it looked more like a *normal* amount - meaning it didn't take up the entire curb in front of our house anymore...)  Our house took in a deep breath of Christmas cheer, and exhaled an entire truckload of junk. 

So there you have it.  Weird? Maybe... Unorthodox? Perhaps.  The best gift that one anal-retentive, OCD, clean-freak can give to another?  Absolutely!

I once heard a comedian say that everyone thinks their family is normal -- until they go to college.  I giggle at the thought of my kids finding out what *normal* families do on Christmas Day.  It makes me giggle a lot....

Merry Christmas!  And no matter how you celebrate, may you have a blessed New Year!!!!!

Why the Elf is not on my Shelf

Disclaimer first:  I am not judging homes that have an elf.  Nor the parents that have adopted the elf.  This is simply a realistic self-examination as to why I should never be allowed to have an elf on my shelf.

By now I'm sure everyone is aware of the Elf on a Shelf.  From what I gather, this isn't a new tradition, although it is fairly newly revived and flourishing. 

I get the reasoning behind it.  Elf watches and reports to Santa.  Behavior modification tool.  I love it.  Be good kids, Santa is watching as is evidenced by that Elf over there.  Kids respond to visuals.

But here are reasons why that Elf is not on my shelf.

1) He is totally creepy.  That painted on psychotic smile? Yeah... I don't need those beady little eyes watching my every move.  Maybe if I worked out of the home... but the truth is, I am home pretty much 24/7.  I can't imagine walking around a corner and <BAM> creepy elf staring me in the face.  What is Santa bringing this year? A month of nightmares, courtesy of that creepy elf watching me.... I honestly bought a creepy elf as a joke for my brother-in-law because of how terrifying they are...

I've come to report to Santa... or kill you in your sleep. Either or.

2) Since I didn't buy one, I don't know all of the rules on it.  So I'm not certain if it comes with a "how to name the elf" rule.  Or a "you may not fight with your numerous siblings as a name is chosen" rule.  If it doesn't, it should.  Because 5 kids choosing one name for one elf?  I imagine somewhere in that process I would end up screaming "HE'S GOING TO TELL SANTA ABOUT THIS!!!!! CHOOSE A *(&@#$ NAME!!!"  Ok.  I probably wouldn't swear...  And there is NOT an option of more than one elf.  Not in this house.  (Heck, there isn't even a one-elf option at this time)

3)  I love my children dearly.  It's just that.... I'm not magical.  I'm not.  I see my friends posting awesome and cute pictures of their elves doing funny/cute/sassy/naughty things.  Know what would happen in my house?  Day 1:  "Mom... why did the elf not move?  He's supposed to move..."  And then I would end up lying about why he must have forgotten where he was the night before and returned to the same spot.  Day 2:  "Mom.... why didn't our elf move?"  Which would then be followed by another lie.  Until finally I throw my hands up (probably around day 5 when I've run out of clever lies as to why I suck at remembering things at night after being around children for 17 hours of my life...) and tell them that the elf must have died.  Which I'm sure would be traumatic.  For everyone.  I am not magical.  I forget things.  It is a miracle that the Tooth Fairy has actually arrived on the nights she is supposed to, and twice (TWICE), my daughter woke up during the exchange.  What did I do?  Did I quick pretend like I was tucking her in? Did I duck hoping she wouldn't see me?  Nope.  I finished the exchange (dollar for tooth) and asked if she wanted some apple juice.  Not. Magical. 

4)  Although I am not magical in the least, my children fully believe in magical powers.  Allow me to let you in on some of their wish-list items from Santa... "Butterfly wings" (easy enough - got some costume ones. Done.)  Next year - "REAL butterfly wings so that I can actually fly."  Oh.  Right...  Thanks for the clarification.  About that....  "A remote control with a button on it that will turn all of my Webkinz real."  So... you want all of your stuffed animals to come to life... yeeeeahhh...  Next!  "A wishing star."  Disappointment runs deep in this house.  I guess if Santa won't bring the things you want, just ask for a wishing star so you can take care of it yourself.  This year's list contains such beauties as "A shrink-ray gun, a teleporter, a 3DS"  Yes.  They want a shrink ray gun so they can shrink themselves to 1 centimeter (they are specific, at least) and then use the teleporter to break that whole time/space continuum thing.  The 3DS seems easy enough, except we don't to hand-held games in this house, and Santa isn't allowed to bring things against house rules.  So do you see why having someone that flies to the North Pole every day and talks directly to the Man in Red just *isn't* a great idea in my house??? 

5)  A lot of the shenanigans that these silly elves pull require making a mess on behalf of the elf, then cleaning up the mess once the children see how funny our naughty elf is.  No. Way.  I am at the point of psyching myself up to scrape the urine off the wall next to the toilet, and maybe scraping the "didn't quite make it to the garbage can" grime off of my floor.  The LAST thing I need in my life is one. more. entity. creating messes.  Nope.  No way. 

I suppose I could start a new trend with the elf.  Maybe the elf leaves ransom notes.  Maybe the elf leaves a note that says "Fold and put away all of the laundry if you want me to talk to Santa tonight."  Then "Put on your HazMat suit and clean this bathroom if you want me to tell Santa that you've been good." 

I might be on to something.  Maybe next year, that elf WILL be on my shelf....  Muahahahahahaha!!!!