Kid-Hours

Admittedly, it's been a while since my last post.  We've been a bit busy... But it's a little more than just busyness.  You see, I have a special function in my brain.  I refer to it as Kid-Hours. It's something that I've recognized as I had more and more kids. 

I have been told that I must have tons of patience, having so many kids. Well, I suppose that might be true.  There are certainly a lot of demands with having 5 kids.  I hear "Mommy" about 3 times a minute - that can be trying at times. And yet my children still don't know what the real swear words are - I count that as a victory!  So yes, I have a huge tank of patience. 

But I have to. You see, this is where Kid-Hours comes into play. 

Kid-Hours is the product of number of hours spent multiplied by number of children time spent with.  (Kh= k x h)  Examples always help illustrate an equation...  Say you are babysitting 2 children for 3 hours.  Well, you will expend 6 Kid-Hours (2kids x 3hours = 6Kid-Hours).  If you are a stay-at-home mother of 3 and your husband is gone 10 hours (including drive time) for work, you expend 30Kid-Hours a day.  For me, my multiplier is just higher.  5 kids at 10 hours?  50 Kid-Hours.  I've gotten used to it (thank goodness, for my kids' sake!).  My meter just spins faster than most.  Generally it runs smoothly... or "smoothly" is probably more accurate... 

My brain allots patience like Consumers Energy monthly budget plan.  I wake up in the morning, and I have just enough to make it through the average Kid-Hour day.  This normally is fairly effective. Our house runs on a pretty tight schedule. 

On occasion I will get a call from Jerry that he will have to work late.  What happens in my brain is much like what happens when there isn't enough electricity to meet demands.  A brown-out.  Must... Conserve... Kid-Hours....  He might come home and ask silly questions like, "Are you aware that the kids are playing in the sandbox in their pajamas?" or "Did you know the kids have the hose in the garage?"  To which I unashamedly respond with a blank stare and a garbled, "huh?" 

This summer has been especially trying on my Kid-Hour meter.  I'm waiting for smoke to start pouring out of it and the springs to go flying.  Jerry has worked more Saturdays this summer than the past 4 years combined.  Unexpected spike in Kid-Hour usage.  He worked through July shutdown.  When almost everybody in the automotive world had a week off, he was doing 4am starts, working through the holiday, through weekends.... Kid-Hour OVERLOAD!!!! 

This past week was VBS at church.  I LOVE VBS!!!!  It's fun, and the kids have fun, and the songs are fun, and everything is so fun!  But by Friday at noon, I couldn't move.  So. Many.. Kids....  Couldn't. Move.    Brain.... tired!

Luckily this week is slightly less hectic.  I plan to pour some energy into re-filling the meter.  Writing a little.  Reading a little.  Planning ahead a little.  Locking myself in my bathroom and eating chocolate a little.  So hopefully by NEXT week, I can function and interact with society without looking like this:

"I'm sorry.  Your allotted Kid-Hours have expired. Shutting down."

Wish Lists

The Christmas LTD catalog arrived in the mail the other day, and my children have been painstakingly going through, page by page, with a pen.  Circle an item.  Write name. Circle an item. Write name.  They gather together around the catalog, a pinwheel of legs sticking out from the glorious offerings.  "As Seen on TV!"  "LTD exclusive item!"  "Time saver!"   

Some of the things they choose are fun.  Bed tents?  Awesome.  I remember when they came out.  I was too old to have one by then, but the thought of having a tent covering your bed?  The privacy!  The solitude!  The awesomeness!!!  There are currently 5 names listed on that item.  Hmmm... 5 bed tents seems like it might be overkill, and storing them whilst not in use might prove to be a nightmare...

Some of the items make total sense.  Naomi circled every available outfit for American Girl dolls.  Plus accessories.  (Note:  She does not have an actual American Girl doll.  She has the $17 version from LTD - I call them Faux-merican Girl.  She is blissfully unaware of the bank-busting counterpart.)    The glow-in-the-dark helicopter for Noah?  Absolutely.  A pack of flavored chapsticks for Faith?  Totally.  The waterproof weather radio / flashlight / emergency light for Josh?  Well... I guess...

Heck, there are things that I want in there - not gonna lie.  Woodwick Gingerbread candle?  I burned last year's until it was an empty glass jar.  I will definitely buy many more.  Green Bay Packers nightshirt?  Cute!  Fleece-lined tights?  3 for $9.99 - absolutely! 

But here are some of the items that I might question. 

Picture you are a 7 year old boy.  Looking through a catalog filled with everything you could ever imagine.  And you choose.....

Plush Microfiber Sheet Set!!!! It's like sleeping on a cloud!   Yes.  Circled, with "Noah" written on it.  Indigo colored.  A set of sheets?  Gotta say, I love the practicality of that kid... 

Here's another gem.  You are now a 5 year old little girl.  Obviously, you would choose....

This occupational insulated cup with a straw!!!  In case you can't see it clearly, the words on it say, "I'm a Beautician, Not a Magician!"  Is this somehow aimed at her mother?  Probably not - she is much more direct than using a snarky cup to get her point across...  ("I LOVE it!!!! It's purple!!!!") Well, my kids DO love cups with straws...

Then there are items circled that are sweet...

The wheelchair and crutches set for her doll. Awww, cute that the arthritis girl wants disability accessories!  Then she says, "Look how awesome, mom!  Now I can break her leg and put her in a cast!"  Ummmm...  ???  That's actually really disturbing, honey... Because mommy is picturing...

Naomi - playing with her Faux-merican Girl Doll

So now it is just a matter of going through the catalog and choosing from their wide-selection of wish list items.  Truthfully, I throw every catalog at them that I can to figure out what those crazy little brains of theirs want.  Less than two months before Christmas, 4 of my children will celebrate a birthday.  So if a set of micro-fiber sheets counts as a check mark on my to-do list... then, guess who's getting microfiber sheets!  And some lucky girl is going to get a purple cup with a straw that passive-aggressively insults whomever might be in the room with her! 

Now I'm off to find a different colored ink pen, so I can make my own requests known.  I saw there was a 100 oz wine glass with the words "Mommy's Sippy Cup" on it that is calling my name... Always practical, LTD... always practical...

Crazy Construction Conundrum

A while back, my family took a vacation to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for a family reunion / 50th Anniversary celebration for my inlaws.  It was a great time, beautiful in the mountains, lots of memories, lots of fun.  Having never stayed in the mountains before, it was quite the experience!  I could write and write and write about it; twenty people in the ginormous cabin, the game room, 5 people sleeping in my king bed, food, fun, fish.... 

But today I write about something on the drive home.  You see, we drove through Pigeon Forge to get to any sort of highway to get back home.  I remembered from our bumper-to-bumper ride IN that there was a construction zone, but hoped that leaving at 7am would alleviate some of the tourist traffic.  It did.  It also allowed for more sight-seeing on my part, since I was mainly focused on not hitting the bumper in front of me during the drive in. 

So as we near the construction zone, we see a sign: 

Kinda cool.  It allowed me time to think, "Wow... how awesome that they have to blast away a piece of mountain just to widen a roadway.  That must take a long time to approve a project like this one.  We are mainly concerned with filling potholes and laying asphalt as a quick fix in Michigan.  Imagine the meetings and planning that would go into this type of road project.  I say, it will be a nice road once this project is done.  Real nice." (There wasn't traffic, and the kids were still very quiet... got some nice thinking time in.)

Then a little further down, there was THIS sign:

Wait, what?  We passed it so quickly that there was hardly time for it to sink in.  I got a little panicky and thought of all of the electronics in my van running at the time.  My cell phone.  Jerry's cell phone.  Would the GPS be a problem? What about the DVD player?  Which do I start with?  Finding my purse to find my phone to shut it off?  How much time do I have??? 

Then - poof - we were through the construction zone.  I sat there confused.  I said, "Jer... did you see that sign?  The one that said 'Turn off cell phone'?"  He responded with an interested, "Hmmmm..." 

So now I'm a bit confused.  I'm still getting over the small panic attack. Glancing at the cars driving toward us - are they reaching for their cell phones? Looking in the mirrors at the cars behind us - no sign of anyone turning anything back on...  And I start to thinking...  scary, I know. 

This is a tourist town.  Tourist.  Not like small town, everybody knows everybody, the sign is just a reminder to everyone that already knows NOT to use the cell phone there... We're talking people from all over the United States who have never been there before.  One sign warning of imminent danger from something that no doubt everyone has in their car (I mean, even I have one...).  One sign!  One. Sign. 

So now I'm a bit flabbergasted.  There must be some sort of problem caused by having cell phones and 2-way radios in a blast zone.  Otherwise, why the sign?  Enter: my imagination...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
(Work crew in blast zone, somewhere in Pigeon Forge, speaking in slight southern accent)
"Hey Bob, you got them explosives set up yet?"
"Crate just got in... I'm about to start settin' 'em now."
"Alright.  We just gotta get a move on before ..."

            KA-BOOM

"Dang it!!!!  That's the fourth time this WEEK that those charges blew before we could use 'em!  Who has their cell phone on? WHO??!!"
(Everyone shakes head, shrugging)
"Maybe someone drivin' by forgot, sir..." 
"Well, did you put up the sign?!?"
"Yeah, I put up the sign."
"You sure you put up the sign?"
"Yeah, I put up the sign.  Right by the road."
"You SURE you put up the sign?  'Cause these charges don't blow themselves up!"
"YEAH!  I PUT UP the SIGN!!!" 
....
"Hey Bob - put in 'nother order of them explosives..."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I thought, surely there is a different reason... Surely they wouldn't use a detonator that could be interrupted by something that everyone in their passing car would have on them... And if that really IS the reason for the sign - surely they would have more than ONE sign... Or another sign explaining the dangers... or an electromagnetic pulse like they use in robot movies to destroy the invading robots and save earth... Something....

Certainly that isn't the reason.  I searched it when I got home and found this conversation on Reddit:
Question: "Yesterday I drove through a construction zone that started with a sign saying "blast zone 1 mile", a quarter mile later a sign said "turn off two-way radios and cell phones"; can someone please explain how cell phones and two-way radios interfere with blasting sites? Also, since there was only a short distance between the warning and the site, what would the ramifications be if one does not turn their electronic equipment off in time" 

 (smart girl... glad I'm not the only one wondering...)

Answer: "Radio detonators could be set off by the signals from cell phones or radios, rare and unlikely but better safe than sorry when using explosives"
 
There has got to be a better way, right?  Please tell me that in all of our technological advancements, we have come up with a way to set off dynamite that a cell phone won't interfere with...  And if not,  maybe we go back to lighting a fuse?  That would be safer, no?


Although, I suppose any form of detonation has its dangers....

I am apparently very hip

As a rule, I pretty much don't like anything new.  Sure it takes a while for people to accept change.  I get that.  I'm not alone there.  I suppose my dislike comes from the fact that most "new" ideas are man-made, chemical-laden shortcuts that will no doubt in 20 years prove harmful to us.  And we as a people will be very surprised by these negative side effects.  It really doesn't take too much research to find examples of how we have destroyed ourselves with our improvements.  DDT? Medicinal breakthroughs, shortly followed by commercials of "Did you suffer _____ while taking _____?"  (There are more examples.  But my coffee consumption is not complete - so I'll just allow some personal reflection time to think of other life-changing chemicals that have later proven a horrible mistake...)

GrumpyCat.com with an opinion on passing trends

 (Ok, so maybe I just really love Grumpy Cat...)

So imagine my surprise when I hear about a "new" healthy lifestyle trend that doesn't involve chemicals.  It's called "earthing."  Have you heard of it?  I'll save you the google time if you haven't.  The basic gist of it?  You walk outside.  Barefoot.  There is some shady scientific studies about the electric grounding of the earth, and how we have become a society of indoor, shoe-wearing people having lost connection to the earth.  It is supposed to help most of your ailments.  I'm skeptical - but I'm listening. 

See, I've been practicing this magical cure for the past 34 years of my life.  Maybe part of me is a bit jealous that someone had the smarts to name it and market it.  Maybe I am like that lady in that one patent-your-idea infomercial "Cleaning with orange oil... that was MY idea!!!"  Maybe there is 16 years worth of "I told you so!" rumbling to all the people that have looked at me and said things like "Doesn't being out here barefoot hurt your feet?"  No! I am curing myself the hip way! 

If it ended with just walking outside barefoot, I would be less skeptical.  I really think that God did an amazing job with that whole Creation thing - and therefore would not be surprised that He would want us to spend time in it and pay attention to it. 

But wait!  There's MORE!!!  Of COURSE we would come up with a better way to go "earthing!"  No time to walk outside barefoot?  No worries.  For the low, low price of $199, you can get your very own Earthing Starter Kit.  <sound of screeching tires>  What?!?!  Yes.  You can BUY the power of earth.... Which is when the skepticism kicks in, right?  You plug the stuff into the ground hole in your outlet, and *voila* - you are "earthing."  There is a whole line of ways to get that beneficial grounding without actually stepping one foot outside!  Earthing mats for your feet while you sit at the computer.  Earthing sheets for your bed.  You can potentially be "earthing" 24/7!!! (if you call witihn the next 27 minutes...)

I envision the following happening at some point in the future... ~ ~ ~ ~ (entering the dream world inside my brain) ~ ~ ~ ~  An entrepreneur in New York City realizes the extreme benefit of earthing, and the total lack of available earthing space in the big city.  He builds a relatively small box, fills it with dirt and grass seed.... Earthing vendor: Complete.  He charges $35 for 15 minutes of earthing.  People line up around the block for a chance to go earthing!  The government gets wind of this site, and realizes it is not regulated.  Bare feet? Without a sanitation station?  The EPA and FDA get involved.  The vendor is fined.  His earth confiscated.  A new branch of government is created to produce rules and regulations regarding earthing sites.  People caught barefoot outside of a regulated earthing site are arrested and fined....  ~ ~ ~ ~  (exiting the crazy world in my brain...) ~ ~ ~ ~

Am I the only one who thinks the entire thing is just a bit too "Wall-E" to be real?  Can't you envision the pilot of the Axiom reading about it, and once they are free from the robot oppression, encouraging everyone to go earthing?  <sigh>

Maybe my issue with earthing is that I am not comfortable doing things that are hip.  I have a flip phone from the 90s that doesn't text, for Pete's sake!  More probable is that I am not comfortable with people getting paid cash dollars for this idea.  Maybe it's because I am barefoot and outside a GREAT deal of time, yet still have thyroid issues, aches and pains... my children are outside barefoot even more than me, and they have their own slew of medical diagnoses...

So although I will refrain from purchasing their amazing earthing products, I suppose for the time being, I will have to allow myself to be trendy and join the earthing movement.  Until they all move on to something else that will be a miraculous cure... then I'll return to being silly, lame Nett - walking outside barefoot when everyone knows that it's not cool anymore...