By now I'm sure everyone is aware of the Elf on a Shelf. From what I gather, this isn't a new tradition, although it is fairly newly revived and flourishing.
I get the reasoning behind it. Elf watches and reports to Santa. Behavior modification tool. I love it. Be good kids, Santa is watching as is evidenced by that Elf over there. Kids respond to visuals.
But here are reasons why that Elf is not on my shelf.
1) He is totally creepy. That painted on psychotic smile? Yeah... I don't need those beady little eyes watching my every move. Maybe if I worked out of the home... but the truth is, I am home pretty much 24/7. I can't imagine walking around a corner and <BAM> creepy elf staring me in the face. What is Santa bringing this year? A month of nightmares, courtesy of that creepy elf watching me.... I honestly bought a creepy elf as a joke for my brother-in-law because of how terrifying they are...
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| I've come to report to Santa... or kill you in your sleep. Either or. |
2) Since I didn't buy one, I don't know all of the rules on it. So I'm not certain if it comes with a "how to name the elf" rule. Or a "you may not fight with your numerous siblings as a name is chosen" rule. If it doesn't, it should. Because 5 kids choosing one name for one elf? I imagine somewhere in that process I would end up screaming "HE'S GOING TO TELL SANTA ABOUT THIS!!!!! CHOOSE A *(&@#$ NAME!!!" Ok. I probably wouldn't swear... And there is NOT an option of more than one elf. Not in this house. (Heck, there isn't even a one-elf option at this time)
3) I love my children dearly. It's just that.... I'm not magical. I'm not. I see my friends posting awesome and cute pictures of their elves doing funny/cute/sassy/naughty things. Know what would happen in my house? Day 1: "Mom... why did the elf not move? He's supposed to move..." And then I would end up lying about why he must have forgotten where he was the night before and returned to the same spot. Day 2: "Mom.... why didn't our elf move?" Which would then be followed by another lie. Until finally I throw my hands up (probably around day 5 when I've run out of clever lies as to why I suck at remembering things at night after being around children for 17 hours of my life...) and tell them that the elf must have died. Which I'm sure would be traumatic. For everyone. I am not magical. I forget things. It is a miracle that the Tooth Fairy has actually arrived on the nights she is supposed to, and twice (TWICE), my daughter woke up during the exchange. What did I do? Did I quick pretend like I was tucking her in? Did I duck hoping she wouldn't see me? Nope. I finished the exchange (dollar for tooth) and asked if she wanted some apple juice. Not. Magical.
4) Although I am not magical in the least, my children fully believe in magical powers. Allow me to let you in on some of their wish-list items from Santa... "Butterfly wings" (easy enough - got some costume ones. Done.) Next year - "REAL butterfly wings so that I can actually fly." Oh. Right... Thanks for the clarification. About that.... "A remote control with a button on it that will turn all of my Webkinz real." So... you want all of your stuffed animals to come to life... yeeeeahhh... Next! "A wishing star." Disappointment runs deep in this house. I guess if Santa won't bring the things you want, just ask for a wishing star so you can take care of it yourself. This year's list contains such beauties as "A shrink-ray gun, a teleporter, a 3DS" Yes. They want a shrink ray gun so they can shrink themselves to 1 centimeter (they are specific, at least) and then use the teleporter to break that whole time/space continuum thing. The 3DS seems easy enough, except we don't to hand-held games in this house, and Santa isn't allowed to bring things against house rules. So do you see why having someone that flies to the North Pole every day and talks directly to the Man in Red just *isn't* a great idea in my house???
5) A lot of the shenanigans that these silly elves pull require making a mess on behalf of the elf, then cleaning up the mess once the children see how funny our naughty elf is. No. Way. I am at the point of psyching myself up to scrape the urine off the wall next to the toilet, and maybe scraping the "didn't quite make it to the garbage can" grime off of my floor. The LAST thing I need in my life is one. more. entity. creating messes. Nope. No way.
I suppose I could start a new trend with the elf. Maybe the elf leaves ransom notes. Maybe the elf leaves a note that says "Fold and put away all of the laundry if you want me to talk to Santa tonight." Then "Put on your HazMat suit and clean this bathroom if you want me to tell Santa that you've been good."
I might be on to something. Maybe next year, that elf WILL be on my shelf.... Muahahahahahaha!!!!
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