New Year's Resolution

"Mom? Do you ever do anything fun?"

The other night at bed time, my youngest son turned and asked me those very words.  I'm used to many questions at bed time.  But this one threw me a bit.  I wasn't sure how to answer - snide sarcasm, angry bedtime mom, surprised defiance.... so I went with the tried and true, "What, honey?"

"Do you ever do anything fun?"

Ah, I see. I didn't, in fact, mishear you....

"I mean, you drink coffee.  And you check your tablet.  But you know, do you ever do... fun things?"

Right.  Well.  I, uh... I played Go Hogwarts with you today (Go Fish, with Harry Potter playing cards).  I, um, loaded the dishwasher. And my laundry is finished....

And thus began my existential crisis.  My seven year old saw my life and thought, 'Wow... this is pretty sad.'  If eyes are the windows to your soul, I would like to suggest that your children's mouths are mirrors to your life.  They pull no punches, and they see all.  

I managed through the rest of bed time. The timing of his question was truly uncanny.  Here it is, so close to New Year's Day that I have a list of resolutions bouncing around in my brain, just waiting to make it onto paper.  Great ones.  "Get healthy - physically, emotionally, spiritually!" "Maintain a clean house!" "Stay up to date balancing the checkbook!" (I've never claimed I was exciting...)  But now, instead of figuring out how to write these resolutions in my best handwriting on my fun notebook paper, I'm facing the unending depths of my child's question.  Do I ever do anything fun? Do I? What do I even like to do? Who am I, and who have I become?  

The beauty of all of this is that the question was asked very innocently. Which makes it all the more enlightening, honestly.  

So I've made my New Year's Resolution.

Do something fun.

It seems simple enough. 

Except....

Except not when you are a perfectionist.  Please know that I am not claiming that I do things perfectly.  Being a perfectionist isn't some great thing that gives amazing results.  What it IS is often paralyzing, procrastinating, never actually finishing anything, because finished results can be found to be imperfect. 

Added on top of that is this neat, rigid rule that my brain has where fun things are a reward for finishing the "not fun" stuff, like responsibilities and lame resolutions.  

You can probably see where this is going....  So somewhere in the inner workings of my brain, it tells the rest of my brain that I don't get to do the fun reward because I have not finished my To Do list.  Oh, did I mention that I am also queen of Unrealistic Expectations? Yep. That's me.  

Making this resolution may seem a bit lame.  I get it.  And inner brain me is celebrating because it thinks that it means that I will FINALLY finish my other resolutions from the past 37 years. 

But I'm hoping it means that this is the year that I finally take time to do something I enjoy, regardless of where I am on any of those other tasks. This is the year that I finally do a jigsaw puzzle. That I finally read a book for enjoyment. Maybe I'll even learn hand lettering (it's like calligraphy - you should totally check it out)!

And maybe next year my resolution will be "Redefine FUN" - because admittedly I'm pretty lame.  Eh, baby steps....