The More Dangerous Game

I realize the most dangerous game involves hunting humans.  This is a slightly less dangerous game we've been living - busyness to the point of burnout.

For three years now, our lives were in overdrive.  By nature, Jerry and I both tend to "over-volunteer."  You know, when you are in a meeting and the leader asks if someone would like to take the lead on a project, and you sit there with the crickets praying someone will volunteer?  We are the answered prayer.  I'll do it.  Not out of guilt (most of the time), not for fame, not for fortune.  Just because we both like to organize, and plan, and we are pretty good at it. 

But these past three years has taught us a very valuable lesson.  There is a such thing as too much. 

There is a such thing as too much.

About two and a half years into our over-committed, running on survival mode, when will this end experience, we knew it was way too much.  We were ready to be done.  D.O.N.E.  Oh, how I longed for the days when my only responsibility was housekeeping and homeschooling my five kids.  It was right about this time that a friend shared a blog about busyness.  In this blog, the author explained that she held her busyness like a badge of honor.  People would ask how she was, and she would answer "busy" - as though that was a pleasing answer, a status symbol, a show of importance.  And how she learned that the busyness was causing stress, and disappointment.  (Maybe I'll find that blog... and when I do, I'll insert that link right here.)

Reading that came at such the perfect time for me.  I was already ready to trade in being busy for just being mom.  But I still harbored a lot of self-inflicted guilt over it.  When you are wired to be overly-involved, stepping back feels unnatural and scary.  What am I going to do with myself if I actually have time to be?  But I read that blog, and it made me realize that being busy was NOT fun for us anymore.  Being busy in college, or as newlyweds, or as DINKS - totally rocked that.  Over-scheduled with five kids?  Not so much fun. It was affecting us as a family, and as a couple.  No bueno.

When you are overwhelmed, everything is overwhelming.  I have said this to others to help them through situations they were facing.  It's very true, albeit hard to recognize when you are in the midst of it yourself.  It took a while to not only identify it in myself, but also to own it.  Pride was sitting there with a big, fat smile, daring me to admit I couldn't do it anymore. 

Luckily, most of my commitments were wrapping up.  I was grateful to not have to step down, but to survive through the end. 

So that's where I am now.  My children have finished schooling for the year, a full month earlier than previous years.  I am on zero committees.  I am not a leader of any group.  I am nothing.  (Ok, ok - I'll stop the melodrama.)  And I'm going to be honest - it IS unnatural and scary.  I feel like I need some type of rehab to get acclimated to the free life.  Someone to guide me through how to function when you actually have brain capacity to plan a day, a week, heck maybe even a month ahead of time for your family. 

I wish I could say that everything is back on track, my house is clean, my projects are done, my kids are playing lovingly without conflict.... Sorry, I just blacked out there for a minute.  What was I saying? 

An artist rendition of what my brain looks like.  Just kidding - it's my basement

I have a friend that says "Later never happens."  Well, later does happen.  Later is now.  And that's what it looks like.  I found it! I found later, and it's ugly. My brain honestly feels like what is shown in this picture.  A few years of  "I can't deal with that now, I'll set it here.... for later."  I remind myself that it took a long time for my house to fall apart, it will take some time to get it back together.  But as I am cleaning and organizing (and purging!!!!!), it really is bringing a sense of peace.  My life of chaos is slowly melting away with each room I clean.

I am confident that just as I will somehow make my way through that overwhelming heap of insanity in my basement, I will somehow make my way through the overwhelming heap of insanity that took residence in my brain. 

And I hope that once I take a few loads of mental garbage out to the curb, I'll be able to write again.

I'm not going to wear busy as a badge of honor any more.  I am retiring that title. I am trusting that I will be able to change my response to "How are you?" to something more meaningful.  Like wonderful, blessed, at peace, joyful, happy, loving life.... but, you know, no pressure.